It is true that for many years I struggled with same lesbian desires. It is also true that the struggle with lesbian desires was a symptom of a deeper problem.

For many years I felt like an outcast, and didn’t love myself or believe that others could love me. I not only struggled with homosexuality but also fornication. Although I struggled with homosexual thoughts and fantasies in my early years I desired to be "normal" and wanted to connect with a man. As a result of childhood molestation, the only way I knew to connect with a man was through sex. As a result at the ages of 20 and 23 I had two babies, the pride and joy of my life. But in between and after having my boys, I had three abortions. At the age of 24, one night while watching the Praise The Lord program hosted by Paul and Jan Crouch , I prayed the "sinner’s prayer" and received Jesus Christ as my Savior.

Before receiving Jesus Christ as Savior and having my children, I had been in a lesbian relationship that lasted for about a year. After becoming pregnant with my first son, I decided that I didn’t want to raise my son in a life of homosexuality. I was able to suppress my lesbian desires for about a year but after having my second son, lesbian desires began to hunt me once again.

I began to cry out to God for relief and I also began to explore the possibility of living life as a lesbian, which included visiting the gay and lesbian community center in my city. It was during this time that I received Jesus Christ as my Savior.

Time and space does not allow me to tell my whole journey in and out of homosexuality but I can tell you that a year after receiving Jesus Christ I had an off and on lesbian relationship with another Christian. This went on for about five years. I was even afraid that Jesus would come in the rapture and leave me behind and I didn’t desire to raise my boys in the midst of a homosexual relationship, I gave in to my lesbian desires.

After the relationship ended, I decided to live a celibate life. No fornication, and no lesbian relationships. Just me and Jesus, so I thought. I have learned that abstaining from a life altering sin without allowing God to take you through emotional healing and deliverance is just behavior modification. I modified my behavior to fit in with the Christian Community and society as a whole, but I never sought help for or was aware that I needed to deal with the hurts of physical, emotional and sexual abuse to began to experience real freedom from homosexuality

During the time that I decided to live a celibate life, I began to attend an exgay support group and also began therapy with a Christians therapist. In both these ministries I learned much, but I wanted a quick fix. I wanted God to zap me and make my homosexual desires disappear. I wanted someone to pray for me and make all my homosexual desires vanish. Many people say that homosexuality is a demon, and I wanted to it be a demon, for if it were a demon I knew that someone could pray for me and cast the demon out. But God spoke to a friend and told her to tell me that I didn’t have a demon, what I needed to do was to renew my mind. I didn’t want to hear that, I wanted God to "fix" me.

After not obeying the voice of God through my friend and continually trying to make God "deliver me the way I wanted to be delivered, I decided to "come out" to my adult sons, and other family and friends as a Christian lesbian. To say the least many of them were disappointed but told me that they knew that I had a real encounter with God and they knew that I was "coming out" to come out of homosexuality. I don’t think that I need to tell you that, I didn’t want to hear that. But I am grateful to God that although my adult sons, and other family members and friends didn’t agree with my decision to live as a lesbian, they continued to love me and welcome me in their lives and homes.

To make an already long story short, I lived as a Christian lesbian for about eight years.

I betrayed my family and friends because as I was trying to convince my them and those in the gay community who struggled with being gay and Christian, that being gay was ok.  I was secretly doubting what I was trying to convince them of. I wanted to believe the lie that God’s intent for some people is homosexuality. I thought that if I kept repeating the lie as in confessing the Word of God, that it would be so.

I kept telling myself, that it was because that I was indoctrinated against homosexuality, that I was having a hard time receiving the "truth" that homosexuality is not a sin and God accepts me just as I am. You see, I once struggled with the doctrine of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I grew up in a Church that didn’t believe in being filled with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues. I wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit but I struggled with unbelief until one day I made up my mind to just receive it by faith. Since that time I have never again with doubts concerning being filled with the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. I now can say with the Apostle Paul that I speak in tongues just as much as anyone else if not more.

I reasoned that if I took the same approach with homosexuality, I would no longer have any doubts concerning my life as a lesbian. I had many doubts about Gay theology but I thought that if I just kept reading books and other materials by those who seemingly made the transition to accepting their sexual identity and their Christianity, that I would soon get over any doubts that I had about homosexuality. I found that after reading many books by those who are Christian and now accept themselves as gay and lesbian, that the books spoke more of their experiences and less of the Word of God. As one who had been taught to measure everything by the Word, I began to doubt more after reading those books because I saw no corelation between their experiences and Scripture. Although I read much about gay Christians and their interpretation of the so called "clobber scriptures", I could not make myself believe that God intended for some to be homosexual and others heterosexual. I didn’t want to acknowledge my doubts to myself or anyone else. I lived a lie. I wanted to fit in to the gay and lesbian community because for first the first time after "coming out" I felt I belonged, I finally had found people who had similar experiences as I did, who could identify with what I had gone through as a person who had same sex desires.

It is said that we are born with four deep emotional needs, ACCEPTANCE, IDENTITY, SECURITY, and PURPOSE.

When I came out as a lesbian and began to associate with others who identified as gay and lesbian, I felt that I’d finally found the acceptance, identity, security and purpose I had been looking for. So I wanted to believe the lie. I didn’t want to give up the only acceptance and identity I had known. So for eight years I lived a lie, but after the break up of my last relationship, a relationship that I wanted to believe that I would be in for the rest of my life, I began to allow the doubts to surface more and more.

There had been times that I told the Lord that if changing my sexual orientation were possible I didn’t want to change, but as time went on and it seemed that the statics that I had heard concerning the longevity of lesbian relationships, which is on the average of five years, I began to say, "God, I don’t want to leave homosexuality because it is the only way I have known love, but if you want me to leave homosexuality, I will." One morning while getting ready for work, I was watching the DayStar Network. They were presenting a week long series of programs posing the question , "is it possible to be Christian and gay?" It was the first time that I had seen any Christian approach the subject of homosexuality in Truth and Compassion. After watching the television program that morning, I decided to walk away from my lesbian life. I have to tell you that I was afraid. In my mind I had tried many times to walk free from homosexuality without success, and I was afraid that I would fail again. I remember what my therapist told me years before, "Selena, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome".

I knew that if I were to succeed in walking free from my lesbian life, that I was going to have to do things differently this time. I decided to obey God and not only repent for my sin but to begin the process of renewing my mind. I knew that I had to learn to stop having lesbian fantasies and I had to stop all forms of self gratification and learn to allow God to fulfill my deep emotional needs for acceptance, identity, security and purpose. It has been fours year since that day and God has been faithful. It has not always been easy but God is faithful.

I now have a desire and calling to help those in the Christian Community who struggle with homosexuality and have a desire to find freedom.

I want to ask all whom I have hurt by my betrayal to please forgive me. Paula, Sandra, Bonita, Alex , Carolyn, Vicky, and all my friends that I met while living life as a lesbian, I ask you to forgive me for my dishonesty and for most of all trying to make you take the place of God in my life. Audrey please forgive me for being selfish, mean and self centered.

Although my life has taken a different course, I will always love and care about all of you. I thank God that my Sons, mother, sister, brothers, aunts and others in my family for forgiving me and loving me.

Most of all I thank God for His mercy, grace, love and forgiveness. If it had not been for the Lord on my side where would I be?

Please feel free to contact me at, equipping4change@aol.com